when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
