Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
