the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
