i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
