sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
