I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
