I need to stop coming to work sober
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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