My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
