Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
