I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
