So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
ttyl tear gas
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
