oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
