Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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