I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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