ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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