saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
