Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
