Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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