Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
where are my eyebrows?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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