i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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