I could have mohawked her pubes.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
