I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
