omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
