Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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