just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
