he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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