Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
