I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
