I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
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