Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is Oprah even human
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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