She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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