Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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