I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
