My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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