She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
why is half of my head shaved?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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