So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
