Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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