my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
