I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
