i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
