we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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