im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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