When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
