So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
