she kept yelling 'call me bella'
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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