Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
