His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
