the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
