She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
