She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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