I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
