you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
